Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. It’s the classic playground comeback we’d chant to disempower some mean-mouthed kid. Trying to show we didn’t care when we probably did too much. But cruel words eventually take their toll.
Words: Britt Coker
Te Kahu Whero was a flamboyant young clothing designer, (very appropriate then that his name means, red feathered cloak) trying to stretch his creative wings in small town New Zealand. Instead of being celebrated for his brave, bold designs and vibrant self, Whero was frequently bullied. His younger sister, Rutu Hazel-King, was a frustrated and angry observer. There to support him but powerless to stop the bullies. It doesn’t end well.
“It was a pretty sad sort of thing to experience next to him; I just constantly had this sense of injustice. I was just always upset and angry and protective of when he’d come home and have juice all over him (thrown on him as he walked down the street) and things, just because of who he was, and I definitely know it played a huge part in why he took his own life. He would rather not be here then be himself, that's the bottom line.”
The siblings were close in age and together they were going to take on the world. But since 2012, Rutu has faced it without him. While Whero would have dressed Lady Gaga if she’d asked him, Rutu’s interest in honouring her brother’s death did begin with a clothing brand, but not extend to daring fashion designs. Together with her whanau, they launched casualwear clothing with messaging aimed at reducing suicides. The slogan resonated with the public and was worn by suicide prevention advocate, Mike King and many others who know firsthand the toll life challenges can take on our mental health.
“On the front it says Hope is My Homeboy and on the back we have a message of raising awareness, which is ‘Check on your homies’ which we want essentially people to wear around and promote … I'd love to have that on clothing where you just cross paths with anyone, and you never know who might be needing to see that or be reminded to check on each other.”
“We [the whanau] call each other homies and bros so I just took that and thought, yeah that's quite fitting for us, and holds true to our family.”
Initially, the brilliant plan to honour Whero felt right, but the energy and adrenaline of doing good is no match for grief. It kept seeping in through the hole in their hearts, so they stepped back from the business and prioritised healing - if that’s the word for a grief that subsides, but never goes away.
“We realised we’re not ready to go out into the world, you can't pour from an empty cup, so we shut down the production and then last year I relaunched it. I decided to relaunch it on my own because I felt ready, and it's been 10 years now. I felt really prepared to move forward into the mental health and suicide prevention area and talk about it and play my part where I can.
The business is a not-for-profit selling high quality, sustainable, ethically made casual wear with all proceeds going to the I AM HOPE Foundation, run by mental health advocate, Mike King. Though Whero’s design interests were “futuristic, big fashion dresses”, that’s not where Rutu’s creative strengths lie but, “I know he would’ve been really proud and blown away by what I've created in his honour.”
Meanwhile, the response by everyone else to the concept has been overwhelming.
“I just I kind of pushed it out into the world and from there, everyone’s just running with it, and carrying it, and it’s drawn a lot of attention, and a lot of support, and a lot of people and places that I want to progress to have come on board to help. So it’s just been a beautiful experience to be part of the journey, with the community just taking hold of it and bringing it to a new level.
“I get messages at least three to four times a day since I launched, it’s incredible. On the card [included with the purchase] it has our vision and reminding each other that they are enough, and people just message me all the time saying, ‘I really needed to see that today.’”
The success is bittersweet, of course since it has only come through the experience of losing a loved one. What’s worse for Rutu is that she feels that the world has come a long way in a decade. That Whero would not have felt alone if he had stayed around.
“That’s the hard thing to process .…We come from a small town in Kapiti Coast and he was the only openly gay person in our community really. He was very bold and was 100% himself… I think we've progressed so much in this world and I always think, if he was here and could see how much more accepted he would have been now - though there are still challenges - he would have been really proud to be a part of it and to have stayed, seeing everything grow.”
She has managed to forgive one of the people who taunted her brother the most, knowing he is sorry for the part he played and is now facing his own challenges (cancer). Not that the forgiveness was easy or instant. There were a couple of times she saw him afterwards where she ‘really let it out’ but a wise woman helped.
“He didn’t actually personally apologise to me, but he did apologise through his friends. He wanted to pass it on, but he couldn't bear facing me. My mum always taught me to forgive, even if people don't ask for forgiveness, it's just not worth carrying it. My mum is amazing. She is the modern Mother Teresa, I swear by it. She’s taught me a lot about me and who I am. She’s just the most loving, forgiving, kindest woman ever, so it’s been an amazing example and a huge part of my grief journey. I've learned a lot from her.”
Being a parent comes with a primal urge to always protect your children from the world, and themselves. It’s this sense of responsibility that makes a parent’s loss of a child additionally painful. A saint, indeed. And Rutu lost her best friend.
“He was always so proud of me and such a cheerleader, my hype, my besty. We were a year and a half apart so anything I wanted to do he was my number one guy that I would tell. He would be like, you can 100% do that, there was no doubt. We were just big dreamers and would talk up a lot, big dreams and goals and ambitions that we wanted to accomplish together without any doubts, so it's been quite difficult doing this on my own, not having that trust and support person.”
She still connects with Whero. Sharing the big dreams and goals, just in a different way.
“He was obsessed with Lord of the Rings, so I have all his toys and figurines that he collected, and my mum bought me a Lord of the Rings diary and I write to him in it most nights about what's been happening. That's how I talk to him 'cause it's quite hard for me.”
While it is not a journey she would not have chosen, Rutu is enthusiastic and positive as we speak, acknowledging the personal growth that has come from the experience.
“I really understand that grief changes you as a person, you are never the same. My empathy is next level now. I really care for people more than I probably would've before. I see people more. I take time more, there's just so many beautiful things that have come out of it. I’m just way more present. I make sure when people come in to contact with me that I’m 100% there and in the moment with people. I just think there is some beautiful qualities that come out of really difficult situations.”
Is there a message that you want to get across to people?
“I know it sounds cliché, but I would love people just to be reminded to check in with their loved ones and take a moment, whether it's a call or a turning up. Just knowing that you’re there, or that someone is there for you makes a huge difference and just to really assure them. To put it out there and say, if you are going through something, you don't have to carry this alone. And vice versa, if your friend or family member is going through something you don't always have to have advice, you can just sit there and be present. Just being in the room with someone and showing up does more than people can ever imagine, and it's just as simple as taking that step of saying, ‘I’m here and are you ok?’”
All proceeds go to I AM HOPE foundation.
