When you see a grandparent collecting a child at the school gates, the easy assumption is that they are doing a favour for the parents and are planning a fun afternoon spoiling their grandkids before returning them home.
For an increasing number of grandparents, however, they are the home. They are the full-time guardians of these children, filling the role of parent out of necessity.
At a recent gathering of the Motueka/Golden Bay Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Trust NZ Motueka Support Group (GRG), the attendees spoke of the reasons that brought their grandchildren into their fulltime care.
“Good old drugs,” as one grandmother wryly put it, was a common one, as was alcohol and domestic violence.
Some of the grandparents had their grandchildren left with them, and others had to fight for custody to give the children a safer environment and better future.
“I’ve been trying for years to get the kids removed,” one person shared.
Because of their difficult start to life, many of the children come to them with challenges that stem from trauma.
Some revert to bedwetting, others have conditions like fetal alcohol syndrome, and for all, the adjustment of not being with their parents is a tough transition, even if it is in the child’s best interest.
The role of parenting as a grandparent is often isolating, and the grandparents, who currently range from 62 to 83 years old, spoke about how their peers simply did not relate to their day-to-day lives anymore.
“You’re not grandparenting, you’re parenting,” as someone put it simply.
It is hard to relate to the grandparents who still filled the traditional role of spoiling the children for an afternoon and then delivering them back to the parents.
“You actually become estranged from your own peers.”
One woman spoke of the physical struggles of raising children at a more advanced age.
Her grandchild ran onto the road, and the grandmother had to chase her.
“That was my realisation – I’m not young,” she said. “You can do that with your own kids. But to do that as a grandparent?”
The role of parenting is relentless and exhausting, and school hours are “vitally important to someone who is struggling and tired”, group coordinator Rankeilor Arnott said.
The members agreed that there was simply not enough official support for them.
When the children arrived, the grandparents often were initially unaware of what financial aid they were entitled to, and what other support was out there for them.
“The courts say, ‘here, have the kids,’ and that’s it. You’re on your own.”
The children in this group ranged from only a few days old to teenagers when they came into the grandparents’ care, and one grandmother pointed out that their own children have not always left home before the next generation is brought under the grandparents’ roof.
“You just continue with parenting, really.”
The members said they would be hugely grateful for any respite time that members of the community could offer, so that they could have a chance to rest and recharge.
The GRG Motueka Support Group has been a lifeline for many, who feel that it is safe space to talk about their challenges with people who understand them, and do not judge.
GRG supports over 6,500 grandparent and whanau/kin caregiver families nationally, raising over 10,500 children. They have over 30 volunteer-led GRG support groups as well as 13 coffee groups nationally.
Rankeilor says she is aware that there are many more grandparents, as well as other kin like aunts and uncles, who are in the same situation.
The Motueka group has 18 members, and “we are the tip of the iceberg,” she says.
She is eager for more people to reach out to GRG, so that they too can share in the resources, knowledge, funding and support that the group can provide.
Membership is free via the GRG website or by ringing 0800 GRANDS (0800 472 637). The Motueka Support Group meets every second and fourth Thursday from 12.30pm to 3pm at the St Andrews Church lounge.
To make contact, either as a GRG member or to discuss the possibility of providing respite care, contact Rankeilor at motuekaarnotts@gmail.com
