Today, Tamanui Uerata is a proactive father, partner, community sports coach, school board member, Zumba-certified instructor/dancer, tattoo artist, elite barber, and the founder of Motueka’s ‘Why Not’ men’s group.
Yet, he knows intimately of despair and pain.
In 2016 he lost his mother to cancer, and attempted to end his life. While he struggled day-to-day, rebuilding himself for his two young daughters, it wasn’t until he met his partner in 2019 that his life really turned around. She helped Tama notice and question the beliefs behind his behaviours and thought patterns. She also introduced him to the healing mahi of Matt Brown, the Christchurch barber who was speaking out about the need for men to talk, to “transform not transmit” their pain and begin to heal.
Tamanui grew up with a family and environmental background of alcoholism, abuse, gangs, and poverty as his ‘normal.’ It was once Tamanui heard Matt Brown speak in-person at Victory Boxing in Nelson that he found the resonance, the mirror, he was needing. Matt Brown speaks through his own lived experience of family violence, shame, and the effects on mental health and well-being.
“I had mass depression and nowhere to go - that I knew of… I was putting on a smile, a facade, when I was deeply broken inside. It is so taboo, especially as a male, to show signs of weakness and to ask for help,” Tamanui says.
He admits it was a slow process to do the inner work. He is now in a space where he wants to give back and is motivated to support others on their journey. He has founded the Why Not sanctuary, an open floor men’s group that meets at Motueka’s Village Cafe most Tuesday evenings.
“Why Not is a sanctuary, a safe haven, a place for men to talk, we just have conversation,” Tama says. “When I share with the group what prompted me to create this space, it means me becoming vulnerable, yet that shows that they can be [vulnerable] too. It fills me up, helping men to help themselves – especially because males can find it so hard to ask for help when they need it most.”
His partner of five years found Matt when she was looking for healthy, male role-models for her two young sons.
“I had come from a bad relationship and was raising two boys, I wanted to show them positive ways to treat women. I looked more into Matt’s work, as here was someone - not in a suit speaking from theory - but someone with tattoos, with lived experience. Someone relatable.”
Tama acknowledges and recognises the women behind the men who are often “the backbone”, sharing wisdom and insight from doing their own mahi, and he is reminded to reel himself back in, to rest, to replenish himself so he can give again.
The gym is now his go-to for frustrations and helps to re-organise his mindset. As a recent presenter at the national Changemakers conference for upcoming leaders, he is passionate about the kaupapa of well-being for males and modelling change.
Together with his family as his support and inspiration, Tama is creating a “new normal” for their blended family, carving new patterns of self-esteem, love and belonging, leading by example.
“I need to give my kids a map, otherwise they’re heading out into uncharted territory.”
