Warning: This story is about child sex abuse and may upset some readers
A young woman sexually abused by her father told him one of the hardest parts of dealing with what happened was that she still loved him, missed him and grieved the loss of the person she believed he was.
“I feel like I am grieving the loss of you, even though you are still alive.
“There is something incredibly painful about knowing that the person I love and miss is still alive, while knowing that I cannot have the relationship with you that I wanted,” she said before the man was led from the dock.
Her mother still grappled with guilt over not picking up on signs something was wrong with her once bright, bubbly daughter.
“As her mum I carry enormous guilt about that. My job was to keep my child safe.
“I thought she was safe, and she wasn’t.”
The man, who can’t be named for legal reasons, has been sentenced in the Nelson District Court to three years and nine months in prison for three offences arising from a single incident of sexual abuse.
Crown prosecutor Sophie O’Donoghue described the offending as having had a massive impact on the victim, not only from the incident the man continued to deny, but the victim having to give evidence before a jury.
The man was found guilty this year of sexual violation by unlawful sexual connection and two charges of indecently assaulting a female under 12.
O’Donoghue said sexual violation of a biological daughter was the “gravest breach of trust” and the effects would be long-lasting.
She said the victim had been a “scared, upset young girl” who did not want to get her father into trouble but knew things were wrong.
The victim said in her statement to the court she became so afraid of going to his house she would sometimes vomit with anxiety.
“I became so scared I struggled to sleep because I was constantly worried that it could happen again.
“I started sleeping in two pairs of underwear and pyjama pants because I thought it would make me feel safer.”
She said it was a way to retain some control.
Defence lawyer Tony Bamford said prison would be a battle for him, as rehabilitation programmes required an admission of guilt.
“It’s likely he will be serving the full sentence, given the circumstances.”
Judge Tony Snell said according to the evidence, the offending occurred when the victim was staying with her father, who had been drinking heavily.
The indecencies occurred after he approached to “scratch her back”, causing her to freeze in fear and pretend to be asleep.
Judge Snell said the victim impact statements from the victim and her mother outlined the harm caused and gave rise to a “particularly difficult situation”.
He said the victim still loved her father, despite the harm and ongoing impact of the offending.
“This type of offending is rarely limited to the victim alone but spreads in a circle which is what’s happened here,” the judge said.
The victim’s mother told the court it was difficult to explain the impact of what had occurred as it had reached “every corner” of her life, her partner, parents and wider family. It had affected her work, finances and the way they lived.
She watched her daughter change without knowing why.
“She became incredibly nervous and anxious about going to stay with you,” the mother said to her ex-partner in the dock.
“When she was with me, she wanted to be constantly close.”
She said the bright, bubbly, confident young girl vanished. It took her two years to tell her mother what had happened.
“I look back and I realise I was seeing signs that my little girl was struggling, but I didn’t know what those signs meant.
The mother said she had been “blown away” by the strength shown by her daughter throughout the harrowing police and court process.
She said it was difficult for a child trying to understand a “very complicated adult world”.
“There were conversations happening around her, decisions being made.
“I wasn’t able to be the mum I wanted to be because I was carrying so much pain, sadness and anger about what you had done,” she told her ex-partner in the dock.
She said he would not be able to take away the complicated grief their children had to carry about their dad.
From an adjusted four-year prison starting point, the man was given a minimal 5% discount for personal circumstances which the judge said was “generous”.
He struggled to award a discount for the man’s previous good character and arrived at a sentence of three years and nine months.
The man was automatically registered as a child sex offender.Sexual Harm
Where to get help:
If it's an emergency and you feel that you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
If you've ever experienced sexual assault or abuse and need to talk to someone, contact Safe to Talk confidentially, any time 24/7:
• Call 0800 044 334.
• Text 4334.
• Email support@safetotalk.nz.
• For more info or to web-chat, visit safetotalk.nz.
• Survivor Experiences Service: 0800 456 090 (8.30am-4.30pm Monday-Friday) or text 8328. This service is for people abused in state, faith-based or other forms of care.
Alternatively contact your local police station – click here for a list.
If you have been sexually assaulted, remember it's not your fault.
